I went to see you today, but you were not there.
I left my house just before sunset and drove for what seemed like hours. I rolled the windows down in my car and let the wind blow through me. No radio, no cell phone, no words, just tears. My cheeks stung and my heart pounded as my vision began to blur, for a moment I thought I would not be able to make it.
I pulled in through the gate just as the sun was beginning to set in the horizon. I took a deep breath and turned down the long winding path that would lead me to the place where I last saw your face.
This wasn't where I was supposed to be today. We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to be sitting across from each other sharing a meal and making fun of the people around us. I would point out what animals people looked like and you would tell me to slap you if you ever dressed like the man that just walked by us. By the time the bill came you would have already started your lecture about why I don't put more money into savings and asking me if I am ever going to get divorced. This is the day that we were supposed to have.
I opened my car door to walk over to where I would meet you. I felt the sun on my face and I could hear the water rushing through the fountain near by. With every step my heart got heavier, my eyes began to swell, and my feet fumbled on the pavement. I wanted so badly for you to be there.
I prayed for you to be waiting for me. I could close my eyes and picture you standing there with open arms.... but you were not there. I looked down at your headstone and I cried out to god. I asked him why you were not here with me and many other questions I knew I would never get the answers to. I sat down next to where they laid you to rest and I wept.
I needed to feel some sort of your presence even if only for a moment. I am not sure how long I sat there with my head in my hands but I eventually picked myself up and began the journey back home.
Happy Birthday Dad, from my heart to yours.
