One Year. 365 Days. Countless Tears.

As I sat down at my computer tonight I thought about googling how many breaths the average person takes in one year’s time. I wanted to know just how many inhales and exhales it took to get me to through this year. Sometimes that is all you can manage to do, just breathe in and breathe out.

The word loss doesn’t seem quite big enough in comparison to what has been taken from me. It has become yet another four letter word in my day to day vocabulary. This microscopic word does not even begin to encompass the utter extinction of my life as I knew it.

Looking back over this year has been like watching a bad horror film. You see the dumb blond running up the stairs towards her certain death instead of running out of the house and away from her masked killer. You scream at the TV and wonder why she does not see the obvious conclusion. I understand why she runs up the stairs now. When you are that terrified you run as fast as you can in the first direction you see. Your thoughts are disrupted by fear and uncertainty. You will run to any place is that not exactly where you are in that moment.

On December 8th, 2008 I received a phone call that changed the course of my life forever. One year ago today a stranger led me into a tiny room and told me that my Dad passed away. In that day, in that one moment, my heart was ripped out of my chest and I fell to the floor in complete devastation. I am not sure if I have ever gotten up off of that hospital floor. A big part of me is still laying there curled up in a little ball crying out for my Dad.

Christmas Without You

I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
I'll even remind you
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
above all of the crowd

Keep trying each moment
to stay in his grace
I came here before you
to help set your place

You dont have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
if you continue the climb

To my family and friends
please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
in a new special way

I love you all dearly
now dont shed a tear
Because I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year