I hate this blog tonight. A damn web page cant wrap its arms around you. Pictures and words can will never live up to the man that I lost. I have seriously considered printing out the pages of this blog just so I can rip them to shreds and throw them in the canal outside of my apartment.
I am going to go out on a limb and admit that things seem to be getting worse instead of better. Half of the time I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming and no one can hear me. Some days I hide it better than others. Even this blog has become a lump in my throat. One day it is a useful tool that somehow makes me feel connected to him and then other times (like tonight) I can barely see the screen through the tears in my eyes.
I am lost, empty, and drowning. I am barely keeping my head above water most of the time and it feels like at any moment the sticks and twigs that are holding me together could easily fall apart and leave me permanently retarded.
Sometimes I will sit down to write a post and end up just rereading things I have already written. I think at this point I have read his father of the bride speech at least a 100 times. I also go back to the poem "If tomorrow starts without me", that one is like taking a bullet. To date, this has really been my only outlet in dealing with such an enormous loss. I have tried to "talk" to him several times but that just usually ends up making me feel like a blubbering idiot more often than not. This blog is as close as I can get to talking to him.
