Dear Dad

I am not sure that I will ever find the right words to express just how much you meant to me. I never expected this to happen and I regret that I took our time together for granted. I will never understand why you were taken away from us so soon.

I did not think it was possible for a person to go on living after loosing such a big piece fo their heart. Yet, here I am. I dont feel like me anymore though. How can I ever be me again without you? You were such a big part of who I am and more importantly, who I want to be. I try so hard to be brave Daddy, and I carry you with me everyday but it just doesnt seem to be enough. Nothing can or ever will take the place of you.

Daddy's Little Weetie

I was always "Daddy's Little Weetie".... not sweetie, but weetie. I just couldnt get the "S" down. Here is a pic of my Dad walking me down the isle on my wedding day. He was so handsome in his tux, standing so tall and so proud.

One Day At A Time

"One day at a time", that is what I keep telling myself. But sometimes just trying to get through that one moment feels like a lifetime. I cant seem to wrap my head around the concept that my dad passed away. It still to this day does not feel real. Its more like this nightmare that I cannot wake up from. This is the longest I have ever gone without talking to my dad. I cant begin to put into words just how much he meant to me. Words no longer come easy and when someone asks me "How are you doing".... I dont even know how to respond. How do you say to someone that half of your heart was recently taken away and breathing is all you can manage to do sometimes. I miss him so much. I miss him when I am sad, I miss him when I am lonely, but most of all I miss him when I am happy.

The Corona Moon

On Saturday night my Aunt Lisa hosted her annual "Turning out the Lights" holiday party. As a group of us were standing outside smoking cigars and telling stories of better days someone noticed a HUGE ring around the moon. Everyone stood and peered up at it. It was with out a doubt one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. I instantly thought of my Dad. I stood there in silence for what seemed like forever just staring up at it. My Aunt Gina whispered to me that "He" was with us and watching over us. Today I received an email from my Aunt Gina with some breathtaking information about the wonderment we had witnessed on Saturday night.

Here is a pic of what we saw- it is not the actual pic as it would not show up very well on my camera phone....



The ring around the Moon is caused by the refraction of Moonlight (which of course is reflected sunlight) from ice crystals in the upper atmosphere. The shape of the ice crystals results in a focusing of the light into a ring. Since the ice crystals typically have the same shape, namely a hexagonal shape, the Moon ring is almost always the same size.

My family did research over the weekeend about this mysterious ring around the moon and found that it is often referred to as the "Corona Ring". For those of you that knew my Dad, you know that he was quite a Corona connaisseur, in fact at his funeral the minister raised a bottle of Corona and had one last toast to the man that I am proud to call my Dad.

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had

If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

Pictures of My Dad

Hot Springs or Die

This is a blog my Dad wrote about his dream to retire on lake front property. He entitled it "Hot Springs or Die".....

"Someday. Everybody's got one. "Someday I'm gonna buy a new car". "Someday I'm going back to college to finish my degree". "Someday I am going to find the right person and get married". What's yours?
For me, ever since I was about sixteen years old, it has always been "someday I am going to live on the lake". I don't know why, but I have always been drawn to the lake. I don't mean living near the lake. I mean living on the lake. I'm talking about lake front property where you have your own boat ramp and fishing dock right outside your back door.
Doesn't seem like too much to accomplish. Doesn't seem like too lofty a goal. Plenty of other people have done it and they are living the life I keep dreaming about. I've been saying someday for over 35 years now and I'm not there yet. However 10 years ago I took the first step.
For once in my life I was at the right place at the right time. It was Hot Springs, Arkansas. A chance to buy lake front property in a resort community that had been in bankruptcy for years. A new developer had come in, bought up all the lots, and was pouring money into the resort to try and revive it from years of neglect. He needed to sell lots to keep the money coming in and the price was right. Finally after years of looking at lake front property that I could not afford, a piece of my dream was about to come true. And it did, but it is only a piece. I don't know that I will ever be able to afford to build a house on it and retire there. Because it is a private community, there are restrictions. You can't throw up a shack, or move in a double wide, or anything close to that. If I'm ever going to live there, I've got to make more money than I'm making now and save every penny I can."
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My dad never made it to the lake, and I think that is the hardest part for me as I sit here today and try to write this blog. I know how much this meant to him. This was his dream. In April our family will meet there for a small memorial service and plant a tree in his honor. Here are a few pictures of his property.

This is the lot that the house would sit on





This is the view from the lot





And the golf course.... where he planned to spend just as much time as he did on the water.

The most important man in my life

As many of you may know, my father passed away on December 8th. He was without a doubt the most important man in my life. I am completely lost without him. I still cannot begin to wrap my head around the loss of someone that was the other half of my heart. I wrote the following poem and read it at his funeral.

“I have often wondered if there were angels here on earth....
A heavenly creature sent from God above to show you his wisdom, and grant you unconditional love .
Is there such a thing as a special person created just for you with a love that will never fade away?
An angelic being sent from God himself to save you from the world and to help you lead the way.
You will never notice their wings tucked so neatly under their shirt, but somehow when life hits you hard they are always there to help heal your hurt.
An angel knows your biggest fears but can still share your most precious dreams.
You can come to them with all of your questions about life and love and they somehow seem to know what it all means.
One of Gods chosen will never reveal themselves to you; they will simply smile as they sit back and watch all of your dreams come true.
Most people will never know that they have this miracle sent from God.
To them it is just a fairy tale or a dream that will never come true.
But I am one of the lucky ones because I have already figured out that God sent me my guardian angel, he sent me you."