One Year. 365 Days. Countless Tears.

As I sat down at my computer tonight I thought about googling how many breaths the average person takes in one year’s time. I wanted to know just how many inhales and exhales it took to get me to through this year. Sometimes that is all you can manage to do, just breathe in and breathe out.

The word loss doesn’t seem quite big enough in comparison to what has been taken from me. It has become yet another four letter word in my day to day vocabulary. This microscopic word does not even begin to encompass the utter extinction of my life as I knew it.

Looking back over this year has been like watching a bad horror film. You see the dumb blond running up the stairs towards her certain death instead of running out of the house and away from her masked killer. You scream at the TV and wonder why she does not see the obvious conclusion. I understand why she runs up the stairs now. When you are that terrified you run as fast as you can in the first direction you see. Your thoughts are disrupted by fear and uncertainty. You will run to any place is that not exactly where you are in that moment.

On December 8th, 2008 I received a phone call that changed the course of my life forever. One year ago today a stranger led me into a tiny room and told me that my Dad passed away. In that day, in that one moment, my heart was ripped out of my chest and I fell to the floor in complete devastation. I am not sure if I have ever gotten up off of that hospital floor. A big part of me is still laying there curled up in a little ball crying out for my Dad.

Christmas Without You

I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love
on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
I'll even remind you
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
above all of the crowd

Keep trying each moment
to stay in his grace
I came here before you
to help set your place

You dont have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
if you continue the climb

To my family and friends
please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
in a new special way

I love you all dearly
now dont shed a tear
Because I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year

Double Edged Sword

I hate this blog tonight. A damn web page cant wrap its arms around you. Pictures and words can will never live up to the man that I lost. I have seriously considered printing out the pages of this blog just so I can rip them to shreds and throw them in the canal outside of my apartment.

I am going to go out on a limb and admit that things seem to be getting worse instead of better. Half of the time I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming and no one can hear me. Some days I hide it better than others. Even this blog has become a lump in my throat. One day it is a useful tool that somehow makes me feel connected to him and then other times (like tonight) I can barely see the screen through the tears in my eyes.

I am lost, empty, and drowning. I am barely keeping my head above water most of the time and it feels like at any moment the sticks and twigs that are holding me together could easily fall apart and leave me permanently retarded.

Sometimes I will sit down to write a post and end up just rereading things I have already written. I think at this point I have read his father of the bride speech at least a 100 times. I also go back to the poem "If tomorrow starts without me", that one is like taking a bullet. To date, this has really been my only outlet in dealing with such an enormous loss. I have tried to "talk" to him several times but that just usually ends up making me feel like a blubbering idiot more often than not. This blog is as close as I can get to talking to him.

Happy Birthday

I went to see you today, but you were not there.

I left my house just before sunset and drove for what seemed like hours. I rolled the windows down in my car and let the wind blow through me. No radio, no cell phone, no words, just tears. My cheeks stung and my heart pounded as my vision began to blur, for a moment I thought I would not be able to make it.

I pulled in through the gate just as the sun was beginning to set in the horizon. I took a deep breath and turned down the long winding path that would lead me to the place where I last saw your face.

This wasn't where I was supposed to be today. We were supposed to be together. We were supposed to be sitting across from each other sharing a meal and making fun of the people around us. I would point out what animals people looked like and you would tell me to slap you if you ever dressed like the man that just walked by us. By the time the bill came you would have already started your lecture about why I don't put more money into savings and asking me if I am ever going to get divorced. This is the day that we were supposed to have.

I opened my car door to walk over to where I would meet you. I felt the sun on my face and I could hear the water rushing through the fountain near by. With every step my heart got heavier, my eyes began to swell, and my feet fumbled on the pavement. I wanted so badly for you to be there.

I prayed for you to be waiting for me. I could close my eyes and picture you standing there with open arms.... but you were not there. I looked down at your headstone and I cried out to god. I asked him why you were not here with me and many other questions I knew I would never get the answers to. I sat down next to where they laid you to rest and I wept.

I needed to feel some sort of your presence even if only for a moment. I am not sure how long I sat there with my head in my hands but I eventually picked myself up and began the journey back home.

Happy Birthday Dad, from my heart to yours.

A Letter To His Son

Dad sent the following email to Eric in March of last year. I know that my brother holds the memories that they made together during that trip as close to ones heart as you could possibly get. Dad was so proud of him. Whenever he talked about that week you could hear the smile in his voice and feel the joy in his heart.

Eric,

Thanks again for a fantastic vacation in Maui. I truly had a blast and really enjoyed our special time together. I hope we get to do it again sometime.

I also want to tell you how proud and honored I felt all week long, as one person after another came up to me and told me what an outstanding leader, co-worker, employee and friend you are. You are more than just successful; you are admired, trusted, respected and loved. All of us should be that lucky. But it isn’t luck that gained you the admiration and respect of your peers. They say that a true leader makes a difference in the every day lives of people around them. More than one or two people in your organization pulled me aside last week to tell me what a difference you make in their life and how much you have helped them be successful. I can’t begin to tell you how much pride I felt and how happy it made me to hear this from so many people. It was some of best moments I’ve had as a parent.

Eric, you are a very gifted and extremely intelligent young man and I truly believe that you have an unlimited potential. I have no doubt in my mind that you will continue to be very successful as you journey down any road that life takes you. Congratulations to you and everyone on your team on a fantastic year in sales for 2007. I wish you the very best in 2008!

Love always,
DAD

Father of The Bride

My Dad, without a doubt, gave one of the longest wedding speeches in history on my wedding day. I literally had to refill my drink. Its funny I remember even then knowing that this speech was incredibly special.

I knew in that moment just how lucky I was. I had the kind of Dad that would put that much thought and that much effort into giving his little girl away. As he read each page I imagined him sitting at his desk at home the night before going over it a hundred times until he thought it was perfect. As he always said, "Anything worth doing is worth doing right."

I found this speech on his computer the other day and I would like to share it with you. You might want to grab a drink. ;)

Father of The Bride Speech

"I’ll try to keep this brief. Hopefully I won’t bore you all to tears.

I’d like to begin by thanking everyone for being here today to celebrate Melissa & Andy’s wedding and the beginning of their new life together. I think they make an awesome couple don’t you?

(pause for response)

I spent a lot of time last night and earlier today thinking about what I might say here tonight and I did a lot of reflecting back on Melissa’s childhood and all the things that happened along the way.

Truth is, I pretty much missed the first four months of her life. About a month before she was born, my job situation suddenly changed and I was faced with either being laid off or accepting a temporary job in Tulsa, Oklahoma with the chance to make a lot of money. Well, her Mom and I had racked up a pretty hefty sum of bills, as a lot of young couples do, so the idea of being out for a job with a new baby due any day wasn’t very appealing.

So, I left a very pregnant wife and headed for Tulsa where I took an apartment with two other guys that I worked with. Well this wasn’t so bad, I had been married for about four years, already had one child, and I was making lots of money. Heck, it was almost like a vacation. I hadn’t been there but a few weeks when I got home one night very late thinking to myself, Lord don’t let it be tonight, because I’m really tired and I got to get some rest.

Two hours later I got a telephone call form Donna saying that her parents were on the way over to pick her up and she was headed to the hospital. I took the first flight back to Dallas. Melissa was born shortly after I got to the hospital and what a beautiful baby she was, even though she was born without one shred of hair.

As I recall, I got to stay home with Melissa 4 or 5 days before I had to go back to Tulsa. I remember leaving to go back being one the hardest things I ever had to do. I made it back home a couple of times on weekends and finally after four months I was coming home for good. And I remember coming home and being amazed at what a good baby Melissa was. She didn’t cry much, in fact I remember her mom thinking something must be wrong with her. She didn’t fuss much and she didn’t wake us up a 2 or 3 in the morning, unlike her brother who woke us up every two hours when he was a baby, screaming his lungs out cause he thought he had to eat every two hours. Not Melissa though, she pretty much slept all night even at four months old. And I remember thinking this is great. And I remember Donna and I telling everybody what a good baby she was.

As grew Melissa grew older, she still wasn’t much trouble. Unfortunately there were never many girls Melissa’s age that lived on our street for her to play with. But that never seemed to bother her. She would lock herself away in her bedroom with the hordes of Barbie dolls that she had and would spend hours in there talking away, having tea parties, going to the beach or the mall or wherever Barbie goes and she would keep herself occupied for hours. And I remember thinking, wow, girls are going to be a lot easier to raise than boys.

Man was I wrong about that. We had no idea what we were in for later down the road. It started with little problems at school. Apparently Melissa missed having friends early on a lot more than we thought she did. She thought school was a social event, a place where you went to meet new friends and have fun. We spent years just trying to get her to stop talking in class.

And then she became a teenager and she had this attitude and opinions and I thought who authorized this? But I know she went through some rough times for a while and I’m sure there were times when she thought no one could understand what she was going through, especially not her dad.

But as time went by and Melissa got older, she grew into a mature, intelligent, beautiful, sweet and caring young woman. And Melissa I want you to know how very proud I am of you and how much I love you.

You know I guess every father who has a daughter wonders at some point what the guy she chooses to spend the rest of her life with will be like. I think you start wondering about that about the time that they start showing an interest in boys. With Melissa, I didn’t just wonder about it, the thought scared me to death. When she was a teenager, she never brought any guys over to meet me. I think she was scared too.

And then finally she introduced me to Andy. Boy was I relieved. And I knew at that point that some of things that I had been preaching to Melissa for years had paid off and that Melissa was making good choices about her future. Andy, I want to welcome you to our family. And I want you to know, and I want your mom and dad to know, how proud I am to stand here today and have you as my son-in-law. I think you are a fine, talented young man with a bright future ahead of you.

I like to close by reading a message that I found today while looking for wedding card for Melissa and Andy because I think it best describes how I feel today. "

Hot Springs 2009

Yeah... here it is May 20th and I still cannot bring myself to write about that week. I figured the least I could do was to post the pictures. Hopefully soon I will find the strength and the will to finish this post.

This week changed me forever without question. Please bare with me as I try to pick up the pieces.

Dragging My Feet

I have sat down to write a blog about our trip to Hot Springs at least a dozen times. Yet again today, I have failed. I just cant bring myself to release it. I cant find the courage to face it again. I can talk about it without a problem, but somehow when I start to write about it my heart fills my eyes with tears and I can barely see the screen.

It's almost like I have someone sitting on my shoulders most of the time. I feel heavy and my heart pounds every time I think about anything from that week. I am empty and completely lost. I have been running on auto pilot for some time now, but it is becoming extremely difficult to keep up the facade that I am not silently drowning. I really thought that with time this would get at least a little bit easier, not for me. My cup runnith over.

Off To Hot Springs

Well today is the day. The day I have been dreading for months. I leave today for Hot Springs to see my Dad's lake lot. I cant imagine the pain that will rush through my entire body as I stand on the very earth that my dad built his life around. We plan to plant a tree in his honor as my family gathers there to remember the man that we all so dearly loved. I would rather stick a pencil in my eye than make this trip but I know that i have to. I miss him more everyday. I still cannot believe that he is gone.

The Teebler Elf in a Nut Shell

My Father meant many things to many different people. He was a Father, a brother, a husband, a son, a mentor, and a friend. I know how much he meant to me and I know what he brought to my life but I did not realize until I lost him just how important he was to those around him.

It is difficult for me to find the right words to describe his infectious personality, his determination, and his spirit. So instead I enlisted the help of his family and his closest friends.

Imagine if you will that you could make a person built on words alone here are the words that would make up my Dad.


I know that he would be proud of the legacy that he left behind. Thank you to everyone that participated in this blog and know that I send my love.

If Your Little Hut is on Fire

My dad sent the following story out via email very early Thanksgiving morning. It was one of the last emails I received from my dad.


The Hut
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, 'God! How could you do this to me?' Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! 'How did you know I was here?' asked the weary man of his rescuers. 'We saw your smoke signal,' they replied.

The Moral of This Story:
It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

Halloween 2008

This was the last picture my dad and I took together. It was taken at his Halloween party this past year. God I miss him.

Life Lessons

I found this on the internet today and wanted to share it.

"You may have thought I didn't see,
Or that I hadn't heard,
Life lessons that you taught to me,
But I got every word.

Perhaps you thought I missed it all,
And that we'd grow apart,
But Dad, I picked up everything,
It's written on my heart.

Without you, Dad, I wouldn't be
The woman I am today;
You built a strong foundation
No one can take away.

I've grown up with your values,
And I'm very glad I did;
So here's to you, dear father,
From your forever grateful kid."

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I could really use his advice today. I usually know what Dad would say in most situations, but today I just want so much to be able to hear his voice. I would give anything to talk to him one more time. One more laugh, one more question, one more "I love your face" when we are ready to hang up the phone.

Still Trying to Find My Way

I am not sure what part of the grieving process that I am currently in. It seems like lately it's almost like I forget every once in a while that my Dad passed away. It is the weirdest feeling that is so hard to explain. Something will happen or someone will say something in passing and the entire experience hits me all over again. A little voice sounds off in my head telling me "Oh yeah stupid... your dad died". The other night I could not close my eyes to fall asleep without picturing his lifeless body laying in his casket.

The only thing I can think of is that I am trying to push it so far back in my mind because it is just too painful to deal with. Last night I was with my friend Mandi and Love Can Build a Bridge came on the radio... she teared up and I didn't. She made the connection even before I did. Am I a horrible person? Is it wrong to repress something that you just cant handle?

I feel like I am letting him down more and more each day.

Thought for the day

"Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever." ~Author Unknown

"There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself." ~John Gregory Brown, Decorations in a Ruined Cemetery, 1994

"There are three stages of a man's life: He believes in Santa Claus, he doesn't believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." ~Author Unknown

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years." ~Mark Twain, "Old Times on the Mississippi" Atlantic Monthly, 1874

"How true Daddy's words were when he said: "All children must look after their own upbringing." Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands."
~ Anne Frank

Two little girls, on their way home from Sunday school, were solemnly discussing the lesson. "Do you believe there is a devil?" asked one. "No," said the other promptly. "It's like Santa Claus: it's your father." ~Ladies' Home Journal, quoted in 2,715 One-Line Quotations for Speakers, Writers & Raconteurs by Edward F. Murphy

"What a dreadful thing it must be to have a dull father."
~ Mary Mapes Dodge

"One night a father overheard his son pray: Dear God, Make me the kind of man my Daddy is. Later that night, the Father prayed, Dear God, Make me the kind of man my son wants me to be."
~ Unknown

Dear Dad

I am not sure that I will ever find the right words to express just how much you meant to me. I never expected this to happen and I regret that I took our time together for granted. I will never understand why you were taken away from us so soon.

I did not think it was possible for a person to go on living after loosing such a big piece fo their heart. Yet, here I am. I dont feel like me anymore though. How can I ever be me again without you? You were such a big part of who I am and more importantly, who I want to be. I try so hard to be brave Daddy, and I carry you with me everyday but it just doesnt seem to be enough. Nothing can or ever will take the place of you.

Daddy's Little Weetie

I was always "Daddy's Little Weetie".... not sweetie, but weetie. I just couldnt get the "S" down. Here is a pic of my Dad walking me down the isle on my wedding day. He was so handsome in his tux, standing so tall and so proud.

One Day At A Time

"One day at a time", that is what I keep telling myself. But sometimes just trying to get through that one moment feels like a lifetime. I cant seem to wrap my head around the concept that my dad passed away. It still to this day does not feel real. Its more like this nightmare that I cannot wake up from. This is the longest I have ever gone without talking to my dad. I cant begin to put into words just how much he meant to me. Words no longer come easy and when someone asks me "How are you doing".... I dont even know how to respond. How do you say to someone that half of your heart was recently taken away and breathing is all you can manage to do sometimes. I miss him so much. I miss him when I am sad, I miss him when I am lonely, but most of all I miss him when I am happy.

The Corona Moon

On Saturday night my Aunt Lisa hosted her annual "Turning out the Lights" holiday party. As a group of us were standing outside smoking cigars and telling stories of better days someone noticed a HUGE ring around the moon. Everyone stood and peered up at it. It was with out a doubt one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. I instantly thought of my Dad. I stood there in silence for what seemed like forever just staring up at it. My Aunt Gina whispered to me that "He" was with us and watching over us. Today I received an email from my Aunt Gina with some breathtaking information about the wonderment we had witnessed on Saturday night.

Here is a pic of what we saw- it is not the actual pic as it would not show up very well on my camera phone....



The ring around the Moon is caused by the refraction of Moonlight (which of course is reflected sunlight) from ice crystals in the upper atmosphere. The shape of the ice crystals results in a focusing of the light into a ring. Since the ice crystals typically have the same shape, namely a hexagonal shape, the Moon ring is almost always the same size.

My family did research over the weekeend about this mysterious ring around the moon and found that it is often referred to as the "Corona Ring". For those of you that knew my Dad, you know that he was quite a Corona connaisseur, in fact at his funeral the minister raised a bottle of Corona and had one last toast to the man that I am proud to call my Dad.

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
and all the fun we had

If I could re-live yesterday
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity,
And all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day's the same way
There's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times
You did some things
You knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you're free.
So won't you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

Pictures of My Dad

Hot Springs or Die

This is a blog my Dad wrote about his dream to retire on lake front property. He entitled it "Hot Springs or Die".....

"Someday. Everybody's got one. "Someday I'm gonna buy a new car". "Someday I'm going back to college to finish my degree". "Someday I am going to find the right person and get married". What's yours?
For me, ever since I was about sixteen years old, it has always been "someday I am going to live on the lake". I don't know why, but I have always been drawn to the lake. I don't mean living near the lake. I mean living on the lake. I'm talking about lake front property where you have your own boat ramp and fishing dock right outside your back door.
Doesn't seem like too much to accomplish. Doesn't seem like too lofty a goal. Plenty of other people have done it and they are living the life I keep dreaming about. I've been saying someday for over 35 years now and I'm not there yet. However 10 years ago I took the first step.
For once in my life I was at the right place at the right time. It was Hot Springs, Arkansas. A chance to buy lake front property in a resort community that had been in bankruptcy for years. A new developer had come in, bought up all the lots, and was pouring money into the resort to try and revive it from years of neglect. He needed to sell lots to keep the money coming in and the price was right. Finally after years of looking at lake front property that I could not afford, a piece of my dream was about to come true. And it did, but it is only a piece. I don't know that I will ever be able to afford to build a house on it and retire there. Because it is a private community, there are restrictions. You can't throw up a shack, or move in a double wide, or anything close to that. If I'm ever going to live there, I've got to make more money than I'm making now and save every penny I can."
**********************************************************
My dad never made it to the lake, and I think that is the hardest part for me as I sit here today and try to write this blog. I know how much this meant to him. This was his dream. In April our family will meet there for a small memorial service and plant a tree in his honor. Here are a few pictures of his property.

This is the lot that the house would sit on





This is the view from the lot





And the golf course.... where he planned to spend just as much time as he did on the water.

The most important man in my life

As many of you may know, my father passed away on December 8th. He was without a doubt the most important man in my life. I am completely lost without him. I still cannot begin to wrap my head around the loss of someone that was the other half of my heart. I wrote the following poem and read it at his funeral.

“I have often wondered if there were angels here on earth....
A heavenly creature sent from God above to show you his wisdom, and grant you unconditional love .
Is there such a thing as a special person created just for you with a love that will never fade away?
An angelic being sent from God himself to save you from the world and to help you lead the way.
You will never notice their wings tucked so neatly under their shirt, but somehow when life hits you hard they are always there to help heal your hurt.
An angel knows your biggest fears but can still share your most precious dreams.
You can come to them with all of your questions about life and love and they somehow seem to know what it all means.
One of Gods chosen will never reveal themselves to you; they will simply smile as they sit back and watch all of your dreams come true.
Most people will never know that they have this miracle sent from God.
To them it is just a fairy tale or a dream that will never come true.
But I am one of the lucky ones because I have already figured out that God sent me my guardian angel, he sent me you."